4 letters later...

I've had 4 letters from Poppy now. And I've never been more happy and miserable at the same time. Excited and happy when I receive the letter and read it. Miserable because I know he's not here with me.

Poppy is in prison. He's been there for the last 21 yrs. and is likely to be there for another 30 unless by some miracle his case is overturned. After 20yrs that is highly unlikely. It doesn't matter why, but it's for 3 capital offences. Is he guilty, I don't know. But in Nevada you use a gun you go to prison for life. I've never for once believed he's guilty though. The man I knew would never have hurt nor threatened me or put my life in danger back then, not on purpose. That is why I just can't believe that he is guilty. Not out right black and white guilty.

We've written back and forth now several times. In all the letters Poppy talks assuredly that he's getting out of prison. And that it's going to be happening soon. I don't know. I want to believe that. I want to believe that everything is going to end up with a fairytail ending. This is the person that I could have and probably should have been with from the beginning. After all these years, after all the different people I've gone out with and have "loved" he is the only one who I really do love, and the only one who I still really care about. I don't give a rats ass about anybody else. Nobody. Wouldn't go out of my way for any of them.

Poppy remembered me. Remembers our memories. Remembers our time together. Much more than I do. (my medication causes memory loss) He's helped me remember a couple things. Time we spent together at Lorenzi Park, time at the drive-in, listening to music in his room, a couple house parties, hiking up in the hill on Freedom park to sit and watch the stars. I even remember the color and posters in his room. He remembered my little white car, that I'd forgotten. I wasn't just the next 'mark on the bedpost' for him. It's funny because he said that he left the decision for all sex up to me and that's probably the only reason that we never had a baby ourselves.

In his last mailing (3 that all came at once) He talked about what it would be like to live together once he's released. How wonderful that would be! Even though we haven't seen each other since 1990, being together just seems right. I know how crazy and irresponsible that sounds, but if we'd made better decisions the first time we would be together now and probably grandparents. This is the first time I have ever thought of spending the rest of my life with somebody, and it's him. He obviously wants to go back to Vegas, only problem is, I don't. I haven't heard back from him yet about that.

 He also talked about how scarred and hurt his pride is because of  being in prison for over 20yrs. That not being able to touch a woman for that long has been hard and he asked me to be patient with him in our letters because he's going to have to become more comfortable talking with me. I tried to explain that I've been in the same position. I haven't done any type of dating for 18yrs. Given up. Too much of a hassle. All they are interested in getting me in bed and the leaving. And I just compare them all against Poppy. (didn't realize I was doing that until recently)

 I've given him my phone number to start the screening process, which takes about 2 mos he said. I hope to someday get a phonecall from him!

This is the person that has really shaped who I am today. I've never stopped talking about him, since I first met him. Everybody I know, knows of him, including my daughters. He's the only person that still brings tears to my eyes and that I dream about. I just wish I hadn't been such a stupid kid, and been stronger and was able to do something to keep us together and out of trouble.

Love is heaven,  but it sure hurts like hell.