4 letters later...

I've had 4 letters from Poppy now. And I've never been more happy and miserable at the same time. Excited and happy when I receive the letter and read it. Miserable because I know he's not here with me.

Poppy is in prison. He's been there for the last 21 yrs. and is likely to be there for another 30 unless by some miracle his case is overturned. After 20yrs that is highly unlikely. It doesn't matter why, but it's for 3 capital offences. Is he guilty, I don't know. But in Nevada you use a gun you go to prison for life. I've never for once believed he's guilty though. The man I knew would never have hurt nor threatened me or put my life in danger back then, not on purpose. That is why I just can't believe that he is guilty. Not out right black and white guilty.

We've written back and forth now several times. In all the letters Poppy talks assuredly that he's getting out of prison. And that it's going to be happening soon. I don't know. I want to believe that. I want to believe that everything is going to end up with a fairytail ending. This is the person that I could have and probably should have been with from the beginning. After all these years, after all the different people I've gone out with and have "loved" he is the only one who I really do love, and the only one who I still really care about. I don't give a rats ass about anybody else. Nobody. Wouldn't go out of my way for any of them.

Poppy remembered me. Remembers our memories. Remembers our time together. Much more than I do. (my medication causes memory loss) He's helped me remember a couple things. Time we spent together at Lorenzi Park, time at the drive-in, listening to music in his room, a couple house parties, hiking up in the hill on Freedom park to sit and watch the stars. I even remember the color and posters in his room. He remembered my little white car, that I'd forgotten. I wasn't just the next 'mark on the bedpost' for him. It's funny because he said that he left the decision for all sex up to me and that's probably the only reason that we never had a baby ourselves.

In his last mailing (3 that all came at once) He talked about what it would be like to live together once he's released. How wonderful that would be! Even though we haven't seen each other since 1990, being together just seems right. I know how crazy and irresponsible that sounds, but if we'd made better decisions the first time we would be together now and probably grandparents. This is the first time I have ever thought of spending the rest of my life with somebody, and it's him. He obviously wants to go back to Vegas, only problem is, I don't. I haven't heard back from him yet about that.

 He also talked about how scarred and hurt his pride is because of  being in prison for over 20yrs. That not being able to touch a woman for that long has been hard and he asked me to be patient with him in our letters because he's going to have to become more comfortable talking with me. I tried to explain that I've been in the same position. I haven't done any type of dating for 18yrs. Given up. Too much of a hassle. All they are interested in getting me in bed and the leaving. And I just compare them all against Poppy. (didn't realize I was doing that until recently)

 I've given him my phone number to start the screening process, which takes about 2 mos he said. I hope to someday get a phonecall from him!

This is the person that has really shaped who I am today. I've never stopped talking about him, since I first met him. Everybody I know, knows of him, including my daughters. He's the only person that still brings tears to my eyes and that I dream about. I just wish I hadn't been such a stupid kid, and been stronger and was able to do something to keep us together and out of trouble.

Love is heaven,  but it sure hurts like hell.

He left.

I found an old poem that I wrote over 20 years ago. I wrote it for Poppy when I found out he was forever out of reach....

You're Leaving!

You're Leaving
Leaving my life forever,
Never to return, Never again.
Oh I'll miss you!

Do you really have to go?
Please don't leave me,
Not now, Not yet.
I haven't gotten to know you.

It won't be the same without you.
Nobody to smile at,
Nobody to be with.
I'll be all alone

If you must go, you must.
And there's nothing I can do.
But I'll miss you every minute,
Until I see you again.

But even though you're gone,
Please don't forget me,
For I'll never forget you.
And always remember,
That, yes I do love you.

Memories found in moving

Now that both my daughters are finally out of the house, I've decided that it's time to move to a place that's smaller. I don't need 3 bd. Why? It's just me and my cat Pepper. She sleeps with me so the other two bedrooms are just gathering junk. It's definitely time to move.

I've even found the place. Cute little 1br. downtown, 3story brownstone. Newly renovated, new appliances. Quite. Cute! Only problem is I've got to weed through a 3br down to a 1br. We've lived here for 10yrs. and that means a lot of stuff to go through! Neither of the girls took very much when they left so I've got to sort all their crap on top of my crap too. 

I've been working on sorting stuff and tossing stuff and putting things into the two different rooms for 'yard sale' 'saving' and 'trash.' Trash and yard sale are huge. Saving is pretty small. Just going to keep the important things that hopefully mean something. I've gone through the baby and school stuff and weeded out the unnecessary fodder keeping the standout memories and pictures. Lots of pictures! Who knew there were so many pictures?

As I'm going through my stuff I came across a letter that I hadn't seen in almost 20yrs. A letter from somebody who was very important in my past and helped shape who I am today. It was from an old lover. From the only man who truly loved me and who truly made me happy. Somebody who still today I still love and cry over. Reading his letter once again brought tears to my eyes and broke my heart.We weren't the most compatible couple and definitely not the perfect little couple, but we were happy while we were together. I was the only girl who made him cry when I left. 

My mother found out that he was a "bad" boy and forced me to go live with my father, and as I left him when I told him what I had to do, he was crying. As was I. When I returned home though, he took me back. Why I left him again I don't know. But I did and things went from bad to worse. The last I saw of him was in jail. Where he still is today. 

I got up the courage to write him a letter and tell him I found the letter he wrote me and how it affected me and how sorry I was that I hadn't contacted him before hoping beyond hope that he remembered me. He did remember me! I was so scared that he wouldn't. I was overjoyed that he did. He's asked if I will continue to write him and I think I will. He was such an important part of shaping my life. I may never be able to see him again, but I don't think I ever want to lose touch with him again. I still love him as crazy as that sounds.

Previously titled Monkey Madness?

(copied from a different blog)


I just don't get it. He's supposed to be a fucking genius, but he's acting like a dumbass monkey who's sitting on the branch thinking of the next thing to do to impress me. WTF? If I didn't know any better I'd think he was an ex-husband who couldn't let go and didn't have any other place or any other friends.

A couple weeks ago, at the request of the "IT" guy, I had to go through all the different websites and change the emails to the alpha/numerical/symbol passwords. Each one different. Very difficult to do. There are over 30 different websites. Websites created at the request of BT. But I did it anyway.

Today, BT and his IT guy call me and want to do some work on the websites. They want to change the emails to one mail email and change the passwords again. Well, because I created the accounts, they all have my email as a contact email. He wasn't happy about that. He also wasn't happy that there are 8 different stupid Twitter accounts, 2 Myspace accounts. (if anybody understands Twitter and Myspace you have to have separate emails for each account, so as a result each account, has a different email, but mine for contact.) Well of course that's not good enough, "they should all have the same email" They finally figure out how to sign in to Myspace and try to change the password and the vanity URL and contact email. They don't have a clue. I asked several times if they needed help and offered to change it to the email they wanted and the password they wanted. They completely ignored me. (they didn't want me to know what they were changing it to.)

So as a result of the temper tantrum BT and the IT guy took the list of passwords and are changing them all as well as the contacts. Resulting in me no longer taking care of any of the websites. In effect, telling me I'm no longer needed. My total job was to take of the websites. Which I now I no longer have.

I honestly don't care. I'm tired of all the bull shit. Tired of all the tempers. Tired of constantly covering his ass. Tired of being "on call 24/7/365".  Tired of lying. I'm tired of having ideas that would work and being ignored. I'm tired of working so hard and not being credited. I'm tired of being invisible. I'm tired of being Peach, I'm ready to be Lynne again.


Then I get a text. All excited asking me to go to a website and check it out. Because I am a nice person, I sign on the computer, and go check it out. Yay, another 'toy" application for him to use one or two times with his iphone for his fans. That I've told him before was stupid. Just like I said tumblr was stupid and that he'd get tired of using it. (guess what, he got tired of tumblr) Just like I said he'd get tired of using his other gig AIM address. He used it twice. The iphone application that he should be using he doesn't want to use. Even though every other musician out there of every genre, is picking it up. He thinks it's stupid. He could have had it done for free last year, now it costs $298 to have one. (that's how long I've been telling him to use it... over a year!!!!)

But I digress. Earlier today, I'm done. I've moved on. I've even removed links. I just don't care. Then I get a text like we're best of friends and he wants to show me a new pair of shoes that he just bought. I don't get it. Did we get married when I wasn't looking? Did somebody give me monkey who's trying to impress me?

Previously titled "Haters 2.0"

(imported from a different blog)


I am sooooo over people tonight. I don't even know if I'll even finish writing this because I'll have to think about people to do it. *shakes head*

a couple weeks ago I discovered that somebody I thought was a friend made a judgment about me that  after thinking about it, it got me a little upset. I'm tired of constantly being judged by people who think they know me because of what I do for BT. Nobody knows me. Nobody knows what I do for BT or why or how. Nor do they know our agreement.  It's nobody's business, but mine and his. That's it. But evidently his fans think they also have the right to know my personal business too and make judgments about me.

It was brought to my attention that Billie/Sunny was 'no longer pleased with BT because she was discovering that he wasn't a nice person. That he uses people, then when he's done he just tosses them aside. And she was tired of seeing me being used'  And yeah ok, that shouldn't have made me mad, but after I thought about it, it did. She had no right to make that judgment about me. She has no idea what has transpired between BT and myself over the last 5 yrs and never will. It's nobody's business but mine.

Because I was getting tired of different fans constantly coming to me and only wanting to ask me about BT related things, I went through my Twitter account and 'cleaned house' Deleting several people. One of them was Billie. I also thought she was deleting her account, so it was no big deal. Well come to find out,  she, and two others have decided to go on a rampage on Twitter about me and defame me to BT no less.

(continue later)

(later)
I finally got a hold of Billie and found out exactly what was going on. She had no idea that BT had already attacked me and accused/judged me without even giving me a chance to defend myself. His exact quote was "Billie's email is bringing tears to my eyes"

I found out through Billie that she also judged and convicted me without talking to me first. She listened to other people who had an agenda against me (mostly because of jealously which I could careless about). She was told by these two/three people that I was accusing her of pirating music and was threatening to prosecute her. That I was talking about this on websites and with other people. The only thing wrong with her story is that there were no other websites that she could show me where I had posted anything. Nor could she answer the question of why wouldn't I have emailed BT and his attorney about the pirating instead of spreading the rumor?  She also couldn't answer how I would know that she even was pirating the new album.

I knew the other people were torrenting/pirating the new album because they publicly posted about it. I never got mad about it or posted anywhere about it or made it public. I was disappointed and hurt. These were the people who claimed to be BT's hardcore fans. and when the album leaked they were the first to jump on it. Kind of disappointing huh?

It's also just as disappointing to be tried, found guilty, and convicted without the chance of defending yourself against people who are supposed to be your friends. Billie it doesn't really bother me so much, we weren't really that close of friends, she was a friend only because she was a fan first. But BT is somebody who I've stood by for 5yrs and considered a friend. I've loved and care for as a family member. We shared things we wouldn't normally share with others. He told me many times how much he loved me and how lost he'd be without me and my help. We cared about each others family and shared daily personal life trials and achievements.  But for an unexplained reason, he judged and convicted me.

Previously titled "Haters?"

(imported from a different blog)


I'm not sure if I should brush it off or should give in and cry. My instincts say cry, but my mind says brush it off.  I received a message today from a "friend" and was pointed to an article where the musician I've done work for innocently said he hated 'peaches'  No big deal right? Right. Except for the fact that I'm known all over the internet as Peach. And he said he hates peaches.

I know it was said innocently and that it was meant for the fruit and not me, but to see it in print really hurt. And to see people that were supposed to be friends laughing about it  hurt. It was made worse when my musician only laughed it off as a joke and couldn't see that I was really hurt by it, and didn't try to comfort me or apologize at all.  Why? Sometimes I just want to curl up into a ball, cry and disappear.

For all my work, I haven't been credited or thanked, except in text messages.  Nobody actually knows exactly how much I've really done. Of course my first loyalty is for the musician, but second is for his fans. Everything I do, I do without benefit. I don't get paid. I don't get perks. And I guess I don't get friends either. So why do I do it? Why should I do it?  All I've gotten is tears.

and now a broken heart..

Previously titled "The Best Day"

(Imported from a different blog)


Today has been the best day. The album was released. Interviews all day. Glowing reviews. Climbing the charts. Fans that have doubted and bad mouthed it for months are in love with it! It's been an awesome day.


An awesome for most people. While people were being shuttled all over NY for interviews and the marketing assistant who's had nothing to do with the album tagged along and enjoyed the excitement. Fans who've been waiting forever for the album have been talking and enjoying their excitement with each other.  They've been digesting each track, lyric, artist, and title with each other.


I on the other hand haven't been having the same experience.  The one community that is open I can't participate in because of politics (they'd all attack me because they don't particularly like me and my relationship with BT), and because BT has asked me not to even visit there because he knows they purposely antagonize me and it upsets me.  "My" (BT's Offical) community is closed and might not ever come back. It was supposed to re-open today (2/2/10) but of course it didn't, and it doesn't look like it ever will.


So instead of enjoying the best day of what all the work the last year and half was leading up to, I've been sitting here at home, alone playing a stupid video game and losing.  yippe for me.

Previously titled "I've Decided"

(copied from a different blog)


I need a place to talk. Someplace to express my thoughts and feelings. Feeling of inadequacies and loneliness.

Tonight was a really bad night. Bad overall. I haven't had many good ones lately. It seems like the entire month of January has really sucked.
I was watching a stupid sitcom, nothing special, and there was a funny moment that made me laugh out loud and there was nobody there to laugh with me. I was all alone. It was like getting hit right in the face with a brick. Something as simple as a laugh, after a month that has sucked, and I turned to share it and nobody was there.

Earlier in the evening my daughter was moving more of her stuff out and supposedly cleaning her mess, and I had to try to explain to her why her grandmother can't just give her $250 because she wants it. That we've bent over backwards for her and she keeps slapping us in the face repeatedly and we just can't do it again. My parents have too many things on their plate to add her. They are taking care of Kayla as she needs it because Bill has failed her. They are helping my gramma because she's getting old. Since Chelsey's support has stopped, I've tried not to ask, but they've helped me when I need it. They are retired. Chelsey doesn't need it. She's chosen to move, she doesn't have to move. She doesn't get it, and I'm stuck trying to explain it. I'm also stuck trying to explain things to Bill and Brenda who are sending her the $250, and who don't understand why my parents won't let Chelsey and the boyfriend come live with them. It just isn't fair to me to cover everybody's ass and catch all the hell.

And I guess I'm no longer needed for something I've worked on for over a year. I've worked my ass off, cried, yelled, worried, gotten migraines, been sick to my stomach, etc. and all of a sudden I'm out.  A new media consultant was hired who evidently is dating Brian, has decided that I'm no longer needed even though I've been with him for over 5yrs and have stuck with him through all of his temper tantrums, family problems, break downs, legal problems, firing his 'team' twice, I've been there. I've covered his ass, and kept his image for his fans clean. I've kept his website and forums alive. He wouldn't have a web presence if I hadn't worked at it for the last 5 yrs. If I hadn't worked my ass off this last year with him on this album, it wouldn't have been finished. We wouldn't have the remixes we do now, because I'm the one that found the musicians and kept them working. I've been indispensable for over a year. Now I'm tossed for no explainable reason.

So, yeah my day was really a bad day and the week doesn't look to get any better. The album is releasing as of 30min ago, so I'm sure people are going nuts and I'm getting bombarded with messages and emails. But I don't give a damn and just can't get excited even though this is something I've worked for for over a year. It's a real let down. Even if I was excited, it'd still be a let down. Why? Because I'm alone and have nobody to share it with.

So there you have it, I'm inadequate and I'm truly alone.