Previously titled "Haters?"

(imported from a different blog)


I'm not sure if I should brush it off or should give in and cry. My instincts say cry, but my mind says brush it off.  I received a message today from a "friend" and was pointed to an article where the musician I've done work for innocently said he hated 'peaches'  No big deal right? Right. Except for the fact that I'm known all over the internet as Peach. And he said he hates peaches.

I know it was said innocently and that it was meant for the fruit and not me, but to see it in print really hurt. And to see people that were supposed to be friends laughing about it  hurt. It was made worse when my musician only laughed it off as a joke and couldn't see that I was really hurt by it, and didn't try to comfort me or apologize at all.  Why? Sometimes I just want to curl up into a ball, cry and disappear.

For all my work, I haven't been credited or thanked, except in text messages.  Nobody actually knows exactly how much I've really done. Of course my first loyalty is for the musician, but second is for his fans. Everything I do, I do without benefit. I don't get paid. I don't get perks. And I guess I don't get friends either. So why do I do it? Why should I do it?  All I've gotten is tears.

and now a broken heart..

Previously titled "The Best Day"

(Imported from a different blog)


Today has been the best day. The album was released. Interviews all day. Glowing reviews. Climbing the charts. Fans that have doubted and bad mouthed it for months are in love with it! It's been an awesome day.


An awesome for most people. While people were being shuttled all over NY for interviews and the marketing assistant who's had nothing to do with the album tagged along and enjoyed the excitement. Fans who've been waiting forever for the album have been talking and enjoying their excitement with each other.  They've been digesting each track, lyric, artist, and title with each other.


I on the other hand haven't been having the same experience.  The one community that is open I can't participate in because of politics (they'd all attack me because they don't particularly like me and my relationship with BT), and because BT has asked me not to even visit there because he knows they purposely antagonize me and it upsets me.  "My" (BT's Offical) community is closed and might not ever come back. It was supposed to re-open today (2/2/10) but of course it didn't, and it doesn't look like it ever will.


So instead of enjoying the best day of what all the work the last year and half was leading up to, I've been sitting here at home, alone playing a stupid video game and losing.  yippe for me.

Previously titled "I've Decided"

(copied from a different blog)


I need a place to talk. Someplace to express my thoughts and feelings. Feeling of inadequacies and loneliness.

Tonight was a really bad night. Bad overall. I haven't had many good ones lately. It seems like the entire month of January has really sucked.
I was watching a stupid sitcom, nothing special, and there was a funny moment that made me laugh out loud and there was nobody there to laugh with me. I was all alone. It was like getting hit right in the face with a brick. Something as simple as a laugh, after a month that has sucked, and I turned to share it and nobody was there.

Earlier in the evening my daughter was moving more of her stuff out and supposedly cleaning her mess, and I had to try to explain to her why her grandmother can't just give her $250 because she wants it. That we've bent over backwards for her and she keeps slapping us in the face repeatedly and we just can't do it again. My parents have too many things on their plate to add her. They are taking care of Kayla as she needs it because Bill has failed her. They are helping my gramma because she's getting old. Since Chelsey's support has stopped, I've tried not to ask, but they've helped me when I need it. They are retired. Chelsey doesn't need it. She's chosen to move, she doesn't have to move. She doesn't get it, and I'm stuck trying to explain it. I'm also stuck trying to explain things to Bill and Brenda who are sending her the $250, and who don't understand why my parents won't let Chelsey and the boyfriend come live with them. It just isn't fair to me to cover everybody's ass and catch all the hell.

And I guess I'm no longer needed for something I've worked on for over a year. I've worked my ass off, cried, yelled, worried, gotten migraines, been sick to my stomach, etc. and all of a sudden I'm out.  A new media consultant was hired who evidently is dating Brian, has decided that I'm no longer needed even though I've been with him for over 5yrs and have stuck with him through all of his temper tantrums, family problems, break downs, legal problems, firing his 'team' twice, I've been there. I've covered his ass, and kept his image for his fans clean. I've kept his website and forums alive. He wouldn't have a web presence if I hadn't worked at it for the last 5 yrs. If I hadn't worked my ass off this last year with him on this album, it wouldn't have been finished. We wouldn't have the remixes we do now, because I'm the one that found the musicians and kept them working. I've been indispensable for over a year. Now I'm tossed for no explainable reason.

So, yeah my day was really a bad day and the week doesn't look to get any better. The album is releasing as of 30min ago, so I'm sure people are going nuts and I'm getting bombarded with messages and emails. But I don't give a damn and just can't get excited even though this is something I've worked for for over a year. It's a real let down. Even if I was excited, it'd still be a let down. Why? Because I'm alone and have nobody to share it with.

So there you have it, I'm inadequate and I'm truly alone.