Previously titled "I've Decided"

(copied from a different blog)


I need a place to talk. Someplace to express my thoughts and feelings. Feeling of inadequacies and loneliness.

Tonight was a really bad night. Bad overall. I haven't had many good ones lately. It seems like the entire month of January has really sucked.
I was watching a stupid sitcom, nothing special, and there was a funny moment that made me laugh out loud and there was nobody there to laugh with me. I was all alone. It was like getting hit right in the face with a brick. Something as simple as a laugh, after a month that has sucked, and I turned to share it and nobody was there.

Earlier in the evening my daughter was moving more of her stuff out and supposedly cleaning her mess, and I had to try to explain to her why her grandmother can't just give her $250 because she wants it. That we've bent over backwards for her and she keeps slapping us in the face repeatedly and we just can't do it again. My parents have too many things on their plate to add her. They are taking care of Kayla as she needs it because Bill has failed her. They are helping my gramma because she's getting old. Since Chelsey's support has stopped, I've tried not to ask, but they've helped me when I need it. They are retired. Chelsey doesn't need it. She's chosen to move, she doesn't have to move. She doesn't get it, and I'm stuck trying to explain it. I'm also stuck trying to explain things to Bill and Brenda who are sending her the $250, and who don't understand why my parents won't let Chelsey and the boyfriend come live with them. It just isn't fair to me to cover everybody's ass and catch all the hell.

And I guess I'm no longer needed for something I've worked on for over a year. I've worked my ass off, cried, yelled, worried, gotten migraines, been sick to my stomach, etc. and all of a sudden I'm out.  A new media consultant was hired who evidently is dating Brian, has decided that I'm no longer needed even though I've been with him for over 5yrs and have stuck with him through all of his temper tantrums, family problems, break downs, legal problems, firing his 'team' twice, I've been there. I've covered his ass, and kept his image for his fans clean. I've kept his website and forums alive. He wouldn't have a web presence if I hadn't worked at it for the last 5 yrs. If I hadn't worked my ass off this last year with him on this album, it wouldn't have been finished. We wouldn't have the remixes we do now, because I'm the one that found the musicians and kept them working. I've been indispensable for over a year. Now I'm tossed for no explainable reason.

So, yeah my day was really a bad day and the week doesn't look to get any better. The album is releasing as of 30min ago, so I'm sure people are going nuts and I'm getting bombarded with messages and emails. But I don't give a damn and just can't get excited even though this is something I've worked for for over a year. It's a real let down. Even if I was excited, it'd still be a let down. Why? Because I'm alone and have nobody to share it with.

So there you have it, I'm inadequate and I'm truly alone.